Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 12 Recap

HELL'S KITCHEN

Season 11, Episode 12

Sisters

***Note: In Fox's brilliance, they moved this week's episode of Hell's Kitchen to Thursday.  Because constantly changing the days a show airs won't confuse anyone.  Way to go, guys.

Ah, the teams get to create their own menus.  This is always a jungle, namely because last season Gordon didn't try the menus until the minutes leading up to dinner service.  Naturally, both menus wound up sucking pretty bad.  Nice to know that these are the "world class" standards that Gordon's putting into practice.  Let's see what happens. 

Nidra, phoney baloney: "All ya'll bitches are fake."  And you're real.  

"World class" standards: So they had 6 hours to cook up the dishes for their menu and perfect them.  The Blue Team hit them out of the park.  All of the dishes looked really good and were met with high marks.  The Red Team's menu totally tanked on so many levels.  After he ripped the girls a new one he announces "you've got some work to do.  We're opening in 20 minutes!"  

Dude, really?  These are his "world class" standards?  You give the teams the freedom to make their own menu, give them six hours to execute it, then try the dishes just minutes before service?  Let's pull a page out of Kitchen Nightmares and pretend Hell's Kitchen is a real restaurant and not a TV set.  How would the customers feel knowing that the menu they're ordering off of was just written up that day and that duck dish they just ordered is based off a sample that was rejected by the boss for being raw, too much juice on top, and basically tasting like crap just 20 minutes prior?  Something tells me they wouldn't be too pleased.  But hey, these are Gordon's "world class" standards, right?  He's the expert in every faucet of existence.  I hear his new show is gonna feature him giving legal advice since he's a lawyer by hobby.

Gordon: Is that clear now?

Zachy-Wacky: Yes chef, very clear!

Gordon: I appreciate that.

Zachy-Wacky: Thank you, chef!

Gordon: That's why I called you fuckface!  Cause you fuck them and you fuck me!

Zachy-Wacky: I don't fuck anybody!

Gordon: Thank you!

Zachy-Wacky: Thank you!

Caption this

Susan: Coming, chef!

Gordon: Yeah, so is Christmas.

Mikey-Wikey, raw halibut: I can cook anything, I'm so talented.

Gordon: Hey, raw halibut in the center.

Mikey-Wikey: No!

Gordon: Yes, YES!

Mikey-Wikey, on timeout: Due to his butchering of the halibut, Mikey-Wikey was put into timeout for five minutes, complete with a Gordon Ramsay patented "boozzah".  

"Why is my show getting so terrible?"

Switching Teams: So finally Gordon wants to switch up the teams so he's given the chance to the Red Team for someone to volunteer and go over to the Blue Team.  Naturally they all want to go to prove themselves as a leader and shine on a crappy team.  They draw names out of a hat and Cyndi was selected.  

Mikey-Wikey goes home.  He was a good talker but also really annoying.  The duel between him and Danny Boy was like two cockroaches fighting over a piece of bread.  Of course, we were due for yet another TBC, this time with Gordon getting pissed at the Red Team for not coming to a consensus on who gets traded (apparently drawing names out of a hat was against the rules).  So here's how the next episode will start: he tells everyone to piss off back to the dorms and then Cyndi goes to the Blue Team.  Whew, good thing you put a TBC in there to ease the tension, Gordon.  And apparently we're being led to believe that an eliminated contestant is coming back - not happening.

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 11 Recap

HELL'S KITCHEN

Season 11, Episode 11

"Hey guys, I've got something on my finger that came outta my nose.  Wanna see?"

Honestly, this season is tanking really fast and I'm finding myself less and less enthused to bother writing anything about it.  The fact that MasterChef returns in a few days just kinda adds to this sense of "oh crap, what's Gordon Ramsay gonna ruin next?"  Everything from the disastrous editing to poor executive decisions to awful scripting has made this season somehow even worse than Season 10.  And what's really sucky is that it actually got off to a decent start.  The first dinner service was hysterical.  But it's been a steep decline ever since, riddled with annoying TBC's and waning entertainment value.  And if you're gonna ask "well durrr why do you watch it then?"  Bite me.  Seriously.  It's on TV and I've watched every season since it began.  

I'm just gonna do brief rundowns from now on.  This show isn't worth diving too deep into.  

Barret finally goes home: So we were left with a dull TBC where Gordon gives his signature "I'm not finished" nonsense and then finally, FINALLY, Barret goes home.  Parchment paper, charred sticks, raw chicken.  This clown basically tried to serve a hardware store on a plate inside a slaughterhouse to the customers and for some reason Gordon kept this dick around.  Real world class standards there, Gordon. 

"Thin air" challenge: One team member is put into a phone booth thing where little sheets of paper with ingredients fly around and they've gotta snatch a bunch up and make some visually stunning dishes with them.  Each team member makes a dish but only three will be tasted, so the best looking ones are gonna be picked.  Red Team won again, no surprise.  Seriously, if you watched the promo last week carefully you would see that all the girls were wearing makeup and just had their hair done.  And then as part of the Blue Team's punishment Zachy-Wacky and Jon have to bike over some champagne to the girls?  Is this supposed to be funny? (they're all on the same lot, so it's not like they're pedaling through Hollywood here.)

Gordon Ramsay in "The Photobomber"

So the Red Team is getting their pictures taken for People Magazine and Gordon decides to drop in and photobomb the shoot, and naturally the editors want us to believe that the girls going OMG was really for his arrival when in reality they were probably OMG-ing when they saw Cyndi wearing makeup for the first time.

Dinner Service: HK is closed to the public but it's a special service for a group of military officers.  Naturally Gordon has the bright idea to operate both kitchens as one and expects everyone to be in sync.  I wonder how that will turn out?

Blah, blah, blah.  Zachy-Wacky tries to sabotage Ray.  Stuff is undercooked.  People get yelled at. 

"You muppets are probably wondering why I called you all here today."

Ray goes home.  He tried his best and was great at times.  But once you start getting nominated in the early going you're gonna be a constant target as long as you're there.  

Kitchen Nightmares - Amy's Baking Company

Amy practicing for her new career as a ventriloquist dummy, stress the dummy part

By now all of you Ramsay fans have probably heard about the epicness that was Friday's episode where Gordon walked out on Amy's Baking Company because the owners, Amy and Samy, are total douchebags.

The significance of this story isn't due to the fact that this is the first time Gordon Ramsay ever walked out on anyone in over 100 episodes of Kitchen Nightmares.  It's not significant because the owners are total butt pirates (even though they are).  No, instead it's because the owners took to social media to bash all of the naysayers as if they had just taken a massive dump of creamed corn in their diapers.

And that is why they have gone viral.

To enjoy the sideshow that is their Facebook page, check them out here: https://www.facebook.com/amysbakingco

I saw this coming on Friday evening after the episode aired.  It was a pleasant surprise to see something new from Gordon Ramsay.  If you've followed Greg's Gourmet you know I've been extremely critical of him for ruining Hell's Kitchen, initiating poor product placement on MasterChef, and being all wtf with Hotel Hell (why the HELL is he naked in every episode?).  I honestly thought another dreaded "to be continued" was coming as he was sitting there with Aryan look-alike Amy and Emperor Palpatine stand-in Samy.

Emperor Palpatine has taught Amy well

But then he just walked out.  Show's over.  Cameras came down, Amy and Samy went back to their "business", and Gordon went home.

Naturally every restaurant featured on Kitchen Nightmares will get a slew of Facebook likes and Yelp reviews just for being featured on the show even if said reviewers had never even been there.  Shortly after the episode had aired, Amy's Bitching Company had received a few hundred brand new one star reviews on Yelp.  In a post on their Facebook page (which had about 800 likes at the time), she wrote that she didn't feel her and Samy needed to defend their actions and they would continue to serve quality food.  Not an offense post, but still exhibited her delusional mindset.  I mean, the post got 2000 really nasty comments on it and Mike Hunt made several appearances, and it should have just ended there.

But it didn't.

Amy and Samy declared war on the people leaving hate comments, which in turn made them celebrities on Reddit, which in turn sent wave after wave after wave of new haters to their Facebook page.  Within 24 hours they had 24,000 Likes on Facebook.  24,000!  Their website was hacked, and their Yelp scores, despite their best efforts to filter them, continue to tank.  And they CONTINUE to battle with the haters.  Check out a collection of screencaps featuring their Facebook/Reddit battles here.  Note: the writer is an idiot who didn't do their research.  It's Gordon RAMSAY not Ramsey.  Moron.

Anyway, the amazing thing about this situation is that this probably WILL save their restaurant.  This has pretty much made them a sideshow attraction for the Scottsdale area and even Phoenix as a whole.  Since I started writing this post, their Facebook page has received another 3,000 Likes and they've now claimed that all of their accounts were hacked, so the nonsense you saw them posting that perfectly fits their personalities...well, that wasn't them.  Of course, we on the Internets know better.  They probably did speak to a lawyer about pressing charges against the 24,000 people calling them names and the lawyer probably just told them to play the oldest card in the book and say their account got hacked.  Generally standard etiquette for sex-crazed politicians and drug-addicted professional athletes.

Oh I get it, she's an alien - this would explain why she always acts like she's on another planet

The thing is, they probably could have used this opportunity to reach out anyway via social media but instead they broke very rule in the book and continue to do so.  Every few seconds someone posts crap on their page and as I write this sentence they're probably getting another 200 Likes or so.  I wish I could suggest this was staged but you just can't make this kind of stuff up.  So, thank you, Gordon Ramsay.  This was a very entertaining episode for more reasons than one.

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 10 Recap

HELL'S KITCHEN

Season 11, Episode 10 Recap

"Look what popped out of my nose, ya donkeys!"

Oh boy, another TBC.  If Gordon Ramsay hadn't gone and given all those other horrible TBC's earlier this season, this actually would have been an excellent opportunity to hold off until next week before eliminating Amanda.  But hey, Gordon Ramsay's an expert producer along with being a chef, hotel investigator, architect, pilot, Secret Service Agent, submarine captain, astronaut, and intergalactic time traveler, so I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

La Quinceanera: Oh, a birthday party in Hell's Kitchen.  Yeah, this will go over well.

Anthony, spicy questions: "Really?  A young Latina who doesn't like spicy food?  Where did she grow up?"

Barret, moron: "I figure Spanish people, hot sauce.  It could work, right?"  I figure Barret, piano falling on head.  It could work, right?

Anthony, truthful guy: "Briana, you're 15.  What do you know about the taste of chicken?" 

Mikey-Wikey, defeated: "I don't know, I guess I just can't cook steak.  I give up already."  THANK YOU, JESUS!

Amanda, always has an explanation: "I'm gonna be in the front of every coaster with my hands in the air!"  Maybe this is one of the reasons I can't stand Amanda; because she always has to go into unnecessary detail about every aspect of her life.  She's like her own play-by-play commentator. 

Mary the Butcher: "Roller coasters everywhere.  I wanna go on the biggest, the bestest, the fastest."  I wonder if there's one that blasts the pitch of your voice for the duration of the ride - that one would be the ultimate terrifying experience. 

Blue team punishment:  Dude, you're making a bunch of guys assemble dolls?  And decorate with pink stuff?  And unwrap candy by hand?  Messed up.

Mary the Butcher: "It's so hard being so good at winning."  It's so hard listening to your voice without wanting to pierce my ear drums with a bayonet.

La Quinceanera: She's deciding to have her 15th birthday celebration at a television set.  Other than Ramsay, she's the most presumptuous bitch in the room.

Man love denied:
Jon: Anthony, I love you, man.
Anthony: Haha, yeah.

La Quinceanera's annoying mom: I like how she complains to Gordon about not getting food.  Hey, lady, have you never seen an episode of Hell's Kitchen?  There's about an 81% chance you weren't gonna get any food anyway when you decided to have your daughter's birthday here AT ABSOLUTELY NO COST TO YOU!  I love the pretentiousness of bitches like her.  Durrr I'm going to Hell's Kitchen and I actually expect a quality meal durrr.

Nedra vs. Amanda Round II: It's like watching two siblings get into a slap fight while on a five hour flight from LA to Hawaii.  "She pushed me, chef!  Waaaaah!"  Shut up, Amanda.  Get control of your station.

WhhhhhaaaaaAAAAAAAAA?

Gordon, troll: "HEY YOU!  C'MERE YOU.  I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR ANY MORE DRY CHICKEN!  However...this one's perfect."  Hur hur hur.

Gordon, idiot: "There's the potatoes okay.  Three f@*#$&# times.  'Oh chef, we're gonna work hard tonight!' F@*! you, Zach.  next time, you're f@*#!(# history."  Sure, Gordon.  Get rid of one of your strongest chefs because he didn't give you enough potatoes but keep douchebag Barret around who slips magnets and corkscrews into his undercooked risottos.  Yeah, only the best quality with Gordon Ramsay.

Barret strikes again: So, we've got parchment paper, we've got raw chicken, and now we have a charred stick that he's tried to serve.  Amanda is tanking pretty bad, but please, Gordon, how many more tools from Barret's shed does he need to serve on a plate before you give him the boot?

Barret, slappy boy: "I'm gonna slap myself in the face for the next two years because of this pasta."  That sounds fun, Barret.  May we join you in this quest of yours?

Mary the Butcher: "Can this night get any worse?"  Maybe start singing in that charred octave you call a voice and then yes, the night will get worse.

"Hey Ray, SAY GOOD DAY TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!"

Barret, delusional: "I cannot believe it.  All of those points I got for my blue team when we were in those challenges don't mean a f@*#!@& thing right now."  Hey, Barret?  You know how you just said you got all those points for your team?  Um...YOU DIDN'T WIN ANY POINTS FOR YOUR TEAM YOU STUPID DOUCHEBAG!!!

Gordon: Do you give a shit?
Cyndi: I give a huge shit, chef.
Best exchange ever.

Gordon, idiot Part II: "You're not cut out for this level, are you?" as he addresses Zach during elimination.  Yeah, because he's been carrying the team and gave you a small portion of potatoes, he's totally not cut out for this level.  And you're not cut out for executive producing.

As I said in the beginning, if Gordon hadn't given us a bulk shipment of TBC's already, this would have been a perfect one.  But nope.  This is just like going into a public restroom and discovering an unflushed toilet full of crap and crapping on it again without flushing.  Amanda went home, but ooooh noooo, "I'm not finished."  So.  What's he gonna do?  He'll either send Barret on his way for getting his ingredients from ACE Hardware or he'll now start switching up the teams.    WOW WHAT A GREAT CLIFFHANGER, GORDON, YA DONKEY!

Meh.  Just fair episode.  

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 9 Recap

HELL'S KITCHEN

Season 11, Episode 9 Recap

Gordon's "I'm gonna eat you if you don't stfu" stare

Barret, how is this clown still here?: "My mistakes are so f@*#!&# stupid, like the chicken."  I agree with you completely, Barret.  Your mistakes are stupid and the fact that you're still on this show is more amazing than the fact that Carrot Top still has a standup career.

Barret, how is this clown still here?  Part II: "If it takes something crazy to show Chef Ramsay that I'm serious about this, then that what needs to be done."  So you shave your hair off.  Your logic is absolutely sound.

Jacqueline, slobber machine: "Chef Ramsay reveals these chick slabs of beef.  I'm slobbering in my mouth."

Barret, rubbing his meat in public: "Ooooh yeah.  Oh yeah baby.  Oooooh yeah."  Basically he's getting an orgasm from rubbing black olives all over a slab of steak.  Holy crap this guy is a creep. 

Barret reveals that his day job is impersonating Bane at children's birthday parties

Steak taste testing challenge: Orgasm.

Zachy Wacky, theme song superstar: "Chef Zach, we got a point, Chef Zach, I cooked my ass off, I cooked my ass off."

Mary the Creepy Butcher: "It would be terrible to have to hack up a cow on a beautiful day like this but I'm not gonna lie: hacking up a cow sounds like fun too AHHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!"  

I like how Gordon Ramsay prides himself on his "world class standards" but leaves hacking up the cow to a bunch of guys who have never hacked up a cow before.  Nice to know my $30 steak with half a rib in it was prepared by an amateur.

Anthony, telling it like it is: I have mad respect for Anthony for totally trashing Mikey-Wikey, Barret, and Ray because once again that trio screwed the team.  I also find it humorous that just an episode or two earlier Mikey-Wikey was going off on how he's never had to cook with such amateurs before.  

Gordon, fan of boy bands: "We need both kitchens to be in sync...and I'm not talking about the boy band." Jeez, how long has he been waiting to slip that into something? 

Hair in sliders: Gross.

Barret, get this guy a plane ticket: "Somebody get me out of here...NOW."  Hey Barret, I've been rooting for you to get out of there for several episodes now so, you know, I'm totally on your side with this one.

Ramsay, ageist: "Hey, Raymond, no more senior moments tonight."  Look, I've been annoyed by this since episode one: the guy is 51.  Gordon Ramsay is 46, effectively the second oldest person in that kitchen.  Seriously, gtfo and stfu. 

Amanda vs. Nedra: One of the more boring confrontations in HK history.  Amanda's just kind of annoying to be honest.  Not sure what it is about her, but she's loud and obnoxious.  Kinda like Dane Cook.

Try investing in some raisin bran, Gordon

So Jacqueline goes home.  From the beginning Jacqueline was kind of a middle-of-the-pack chef.  Not really getting ahead, not really falling behind.  Screwing up steak temperatures will obviously magnify that.  

Kind of a meh episode.  

Hell's Kitchen, Season 11, Episode 8 Recap

HELL'S KITCHEN

Season 11, Episode 8 Recap

Gordon Ramsay likes watching the fat kids run

This episode was stupid.  Yes, Danny Boy is annoying prick but sending him home over Barret?  Barret flatout sucks.  First he tries to serve the parchment paper with a fish around it then tries to send out raw chicken?  Come on, Gordon.  

Susan, sucker: "I sucked tonight".  Yeah, dirty jokes aside, I still can't figure this chick out.  There's just something about her that's strange.  It's almost like she's an actress playing the part of an HK contestant and at some point in the season she's gonna be involved in some big twist or something.  

Mary, butcher of cute animals upon hearing she won't actually be butchering them: "I'm excited to RASSLE them!" 

Nedra, dumbass: "I'm scared of my own damn dog, that should tell you something shouldn't it?"  Yes, Nidra, it tells me you're a moron who's useless to society, thanks for clearing that up.  

Danny Boy, jealous: "Apparently Michael has some kind of cooking skill and I don't." Well, half of that statement is correct.  Where you're off is assuming Michael has any kind of cooking skills at all.  You both just kinda suck to be honest.

Jon Shook, how the hell old is this kid?:  Dude, who the hell is this guy?  He comes on one of the hottest shows on network TV dressed up as if he's about to go to a Justin Bieber concert?  And this clown is the head chef at one of the LA's hottest new restaurants?  Dude, wear a blazer or something, seriously.  I mean, I don't like dressing up either but...SERIOUSLY!

Zachy Wacky, wise words: "Mary, Mary, quite contrary.  Hahaha.  GET IT TOGETHER, WOMAN!"

Aquarium Guide: Holy crap this chick must taking the same lessons as Mary is in how to make your voice sound as disgusting as possible. 

Yeah, Gordon Ramsay has no ego problem at all - everyone has a stash of drawings of themselves that kids can color in

Anthony, philosoraptor impersonator: "A cold cheeseburger.  How the hell does something like that happen?"

Gordon: "Barret, if you knew it was raw, why'd you bring it up to me?"

Barret: "Because I'm a stupid douche and I smell bad and can't read good and I suck and should be sent home tonight."

J'anelle, unintentional jerk: "I don't mean to be a jerk but we're totally blowing these boys out of the water and I'm really thoroughly enjoying it."  Actually, J'anelle, you really are being a jerk, sorry to say.

Barret, diffusing responsibility: "They just communicate way better than we do, guys.  That's it."  Actually, Barret, they also don't try to serve raw chicken to the sous chef's wife, nor do they try to serve halibut with parchment paper attached YOU STUPID IDIOT!

Hello, my name is Barret and I'm a douchebag

Mikey Wikey, douche: "I've never worked with so many f*@*#(! amateurs in this business in my life!"  Then he pounds the counter in anger.  Easy, big fella.  You may squash a ladybug. 

Danny Boy goes home: Look, Dan's a douche and a borderline creep, but Barret is just dumb.  This guy is a schmuck, a scab, an idiot.  He knowingly tries to serve crap and has done it more than once.  Why the hell didn't this guy go home before Dan?  This would have been an appropriate time to trade Dan to the red team for a leader and trash Barret instead.  No clue what Ramsay's thinking here.

Just FYI I bet you that Episode 9 will be a TBC.

1 Steak, 1 Rib Rack, 1 Plate

So obviously I'm getting behind on Hell's Kitchen because what started out as a good rebound season has quickly tanked faster than Congress' approval rating.

Instead I'm gonna do what this site was originally all about: posting pictures of the food I eat for the world to see.  And tonight I got a good one for ya.  Last week we went to Outback Steakhouse.  Now, I've been very critical of Outback in the past because, well, it's not that good.  I mean how does someone make a bacon cheeseburger taste like a piece of toasted carpet lint?

You could imagine my pleasant surprise when I opened the menu to find a new special: steak and ribs on the same plate.  With a baked potato no less.  If you've ever had a meal with me you know how indecisive I can be, so whenever I see some kind of combination I get all excited like Vin Diesel at the announcement of a new "Fast and the Furious" sequel to extend his acting career.

Please forgive the dark picture - Outback's lighting doesn't really encourage food photography 

The cool thing is this actually tasted good, which is obviously half the battle when going into Outback.  But I gotta say - they redeemed themselves with this.  I mean, the cool factor alone is enough to make even Carrot Top not seem so lame - and that's really saying something.